**Disclaimer** This is a posting about God, Faith, and Prayer. I know this skeeves some of you out. Just thought I’d warn ya…

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Last January, as part of my New Years resolution, I became, yet again, a regular attendee in church. As a kid, we always went to church and/or Sunday School. I belonged to my Protestant church’s choir and youth group. As I entered college, I usually only attended on Christmas and Easter. As a young adult, I made the decision to convert Catholicism, and attended Mass regularly throughout the RCIA  program (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults, the process by which the Catholic church receives new members who were not baptized/confirmed/brought into communion as children). After my period as a candidate was over however, and I was officially Catholic, my attendance at Mass sharply declined and I did not regularly attend church again until now. The church I currently attend is not a Catholic church and the reasons why would fill several blog posts all on their own.

I give this background only because I do not know the shape this post will take, and it may be useful.

Since returning to church last winter, I’ve had an influx on religiously and spiritually based musings rumbling around in my mind. I like the people that belong to my church, I like the pastor, I feel comfortable there…for the most part. I continue to struggle, however, with my belief system. The other day, I was discussing some of this with my mom. What I could tell her is that I know I believe in God. It’s the rest of it that gets a little questionable for me. Do I believe in Jesus, the Bible, Heaven and Hell? I’m not sure. I believe in the Ten Commandments, (and attempt to live my life by that code, even more so than John 3:16). But, I also believe in reincarnation. I believe in Karma, almost as strongly as I believe in God. (My interpretation of Karma could be its own blog post, too. I just might follow through on that one. I think a lot of people misconstrue it. Anyway.) When I see or hear others openly and passionately discuss their faith, particularly in Jesus, I feel a little uncomfortable. (Please, please read that as uncomfortable, not judgmental.) So, needless to say, I’m not confident of where I fall on the “Good Christian” spectrum.

Now to come around to my point (I almost always make it there, eventually, don’t I?). One of the things that I see daily on blogs that I follow, Facebook stati, and Downsyn, is prayer requests. There are some really, truly devout pray-ers out there. I am not at all one of them. I feel distinctly uncomfortable with prayer lately. It wasn’t always this way, and I am not sure when it changed. I send lots of “good vibes” and “positive thoughts” and the ever popular “{{hugs}}”, but I never reply that I’ll pray for whatever the prayer request is for.

I don’t pray for myself, either. Not really, anyway. I remember after leaving Lucy in the hands of the cardiac surgeons, I looked skyward and whispered a silent “please”, but even in that difficult time, that was the most I could muster. In the past two years, I have had tons to pray for, but I don’t.

I find it’s the same thing for happy occasions, as well. As with Lucy’s “please”, when something amazing happens, be it my daughter emerging from a successful heart surgery, or walking outside and being struck by how magnificent the day is, I look up, smile, and silently whisper “thank you”.

Oh, and when I get mad in traffic and use the Lord’s name in vain, particularly when it’s laced with profanity, I always offer up an “I’m sorry”.

Part of it is that one of the Catholic priests really confused me as it relates to prayer. I remember being told that one should not pray for a specific thing, because we do not have the capacity to understand God’s plan for us. Therefore, we could possibly be praying for the wrong thing, I guess. So, toward the end of my praying years, I got to the point where all I ever prayed for was the strength to face what was before me and to be open-hearted to God’s plan for me. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but that seems hollow and ineffective.

Part of it is also that I feel like, if I am obsessing over something, and if God is omniscient, than I don’t really need to pray because He already knows what I would say. But, I’m pretty sure that’s just a cop-out.

It took a while to realize I had stopped praying. I’ve been aware of it for a while now, but it still doesn’t feel natural to do. I’m not even sure if I’m distressed about it. It is just, now that I’ve noticed it, I can’t stop thinking about it. Especially every time I see a new prayer request.

As I stated when I began writing this, I wasn’t sure where it would go. Now I’m not sure how to end it. Often when I write, I work out my issue as I type and feel a sense of relief by the time I hit “publish”. I don’t feel that I solved my praying dilemma yet.

So, uh, God…if You’re reading this…help a girl out.